Introduction to Showing Confidence Through Nonverbal Communication
Hello! It’s Kristine here with the Express to Impress podcast. This episode is part two of Confident Communication Techniques for the Workplace With Mike Acker. So, if you haven’t listened to the previous episode, I recommend you check it out before listening to this one. In this episode, my guest Mike Acker shares powerful tips for conveying confidence and authority through verbal and nonverbal communication.
In addition, we talk about learning Spanish, living in Mexico, and Mexican culture. We’ve both lived in learned Spanish in Mexico, so I was curious about his experience. His journey couldn’t be more different from mine, and I have a newfound appreciation for the immense challenges immigrants can face in a new country.
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Now, let’s jump back into our conversation.
Mexican and American Business Environments
Kristine:
I’m not sure about your familiarity with Mexican business and the Mexican business environment. But could you maybe give me any insights that you have on similarities or differences between American and Mexican business environments?
Mike:
Yeah, absolutely. So, I was actually accepted to law school, one of the top law schools in Mexico, like the Harvard Law School of Mexico, before I moved back to the States. So I withdrew, and then my dad practiced law down in Mexico for 14 years, so I’ve got to see a lot of this. I did some traveling with him from time to time, and then, of course, I actually have gone back and done some nonprofit work there throughout the years.
So here’s what’s very different. For American business culture, it’s very much about the action the productivity. Now, sure, if you’re really good friends, you might not. You might focus on the friendship first. But I have a business partner and one of the businesses that we lead, and my business partner and I are very good friends. We vacation together. We’ve traveled together. But when we go to business, it goes to business. So even if I’m doing a business call with him, it might be very cursory. “How are you doing?” But then it’s like, “Hey, I want you to know this. Let’s get right to it.”
Now, Mexico is always going to prioritize the relationship. And so, in Mexico, business doesn’t start until the relationship has been established and the relationship has been revisited. So it’s very common for you to be there and be asked, “How’s your mom?” That’s a very common question in Mexico. “How’s your mom?” I mean, for years, even when I’d go back, my mom has passed away now, but people would come up and say, “Mike, how’s your mom? How’s your family? How are things going? How’s your wife? What’s going on?” And then it might go into the business. But even when I was doing my nonprofit interactions and consulting down there in that regard, we would spend a good amount of time on relationship-building before we moved into the work.
And in Mexico, if you go into a business room, you’re going to make sure you shake every single person’s hands. You’re going to acknowledge them. There’s a relational aspect, which I love that part of it because you’re crossing over the bridge of business through relationships. In American business, it’s a little bit different. There’s some good of that too. For example, one of the words in Mexico in the business culture is “Palanca.” Leverage. That’s what it ultimately means. Leverage: to have pull with somebody. So sometimes, a relationship is built so that you can pull it; you can leverage that relationship.
And so, unfortunately, if you’re not in that relationship, you can’t get things done. Now, in America, you know, after a relationship, let’s just get things done. So a very different way of doing things, and sometimes in Mexican business culture, it can exclude people who are not in that relationship. And, of course, in American business culture, sometimes it can be so bottom line over relationships that things get turned upside down.
Kristine:
Yeah, interesting. I certainly can see the positives about the Mexican approach to building relationships, and when I try to put myself in the shoes of a Mexican coming to America or working with an American, I can see how they could perceive our practices as cold or inauthentic, and that must be such a tough transition.
I will say that sometimes I have clients who are a little confused by the places where relationships are important in American business culture. So one place where it’s important is when you’re in a job search. You want to tap into your network. It’s important to build your network. You want to be telling people, “Hey, I need a job,” and I’ve had many non-native English speakers say, “Really? That seems weird. It’s not based on merit.” And how I explain it is, it can get you an interview. You still have to be the best candidate. You still have to go through the process, and you still might not get the job. But it can help get an interview, which is really tough when you’re competing against hundreds or thousands of people sometimes.
So that’s one area where, you know, it’s maybe a bit more similar to the Mexican business culture and the power of relationships.
Mike:
You’re right. And what’s huge is in Mexico, you might build that relationship that day. The relationship is always, always at the forefront. In American business culture, if you are building relationships right now because you need to get a job right now, that’s probably not gonna happen. Like in Mexico, you can go out to an evening dinner, and if you walk away with a great relationship, you got someone right there, and they might be a recommendation for you the same day.
American business culture is not going to be the same. You’re building relationships to build relationships, so most people can see through because we’re very skeptical. When people reach out to me on LinkedIn, I’m like, “Why are you reaching out? What do you really want from me? And why do you want to be my friend?” And almost to a fault at times. Whereas in Mexico, yeah, of course, you want something, but let’s be friends too. Great! And so what I would say, for those people, is start building a relationship now, even when you have a job, and keep that relationship.
I was in a relationship. The guy had no motive for it, just a buddy, no motive from it at all. And I was around a barbecue one time, and we were having dinner. I was thinking about changing my job, and I’d known this guy for a while, and we had respect for each other. And I said, “You know, I’m thinking about changing my job.” He said, “I’d hire you in a heartbeat.” Now, I had no education and no experience in the industry. I ended up being recommended to the recruiter by him, and out of hundreds of applicants in a field that is very desirable, I was the person that got hired.
Kristine:
I love that. That’s awesome!
Mike:
But a real relationship trumped those basic requirements.
Kristine:
Yes! And I’m glad that you mentioned that particular scenario because your friend wasn’t in your mind the perfect employer in the perfect position. You just brought it up, and I think that people are hesitant to do that sometimes. They feel like that’s weird, or they’re using people. But your friends do want to help you out, and there are opportunities there. If you just say what’s going on and what your needs are. People want to help each other out and fill those needs.
But yeah, a lot of times, people think, “No, I don’t have anyone in my network who is a product manager or at the companies I want to work at.” Still, tell your friends and family, at a minimum, what your goals are, and they might be able to support you.
Tips for Building Confidence in Impromptu Speaking
Kristine:
Many of my clients are very well prepared, and that can come from this sense of lack or insecurity about their English skills. So they will go above and beyond to arrive at an interview well prepared or before they give an important speech or presentation.
But what terrifies them the most is impromptu speaking. When somebody at the office wants to start chatting about the game last night, or the meeting goes off-topic, and they’re not prepared for it. They’re worried they’re going to be found out, maybe, as a fraud, or people will see the limitations of their language. So do you have any tips for those individuals who need to learn how to maintain their confidence and engage in these uncomfortable conversations?
Mike:
Yeah, absolutely. I love this because you’re right. A lot of people are really nervous about this. It’s one of the most sought-after topics. So without sounding like a commercial, in my book “People With Confidence,” I actually talk about a system for doing that because I know it’s something that is very desired by people. So I put it in there. And really, what I’ve talked about in that section, the book is comprised of identity, message, and skills. When I talk about messaging and speaking, it’s about systematic preparation.
So, just like you have a system for preparing a slide deck or a system for answering “Tell me about yourself,” or a system for that, you should have a system for when people put you on the spot. Now, the system can only be used if there’s material to process. In other words, if you ask me, “Mike, what does it look like to audit a company’s financial records?” I mean, I don’t even know what to say. See, I don’t know, the topic is so far from my area,” I would say, “There’s no material to process.” So the system, in that case, is simply, “Sorry, I actually don’t know anything about that.”
And when I was younger, I used to feel the need to have a say about everything. And what I’m now thinking is, “Hey, what do you think about the game yesterday?” “Oh, which game?” “Oh, you don’t know about the game?” “I don’t. Tell me about it.” So, in that case, the system is, I don’t know. You tell me, and I’ll listen.
Kristine:
“I love that.” Yeah, just owning up and turning it back around but continuing the conversation, not feeling ashamed that you don’t know. Even if they push back, “You don’t know?” “No, tell me! Something good must have happened. Tell me about it!”
Mike:
If there is one topic and you work with maybe ten people and all of them talk about the same thing, then if you’re going to work with them for a while, just like if you get married, and they love this, maybe you love that now. And your whole family does this; maybe you should do that now. So likewise, we do that in relationships. Well, you’re in a working relationship, and if there are ten people and all they do is talk about this, then I’m gonna become aware of that, so I can engage. And I’m going to like it. Maybe I’m gonna do it for my work. It’s part of my extended work. So just consider it part, just like you might bring some work home from time to time. That’s now the work that you bring home. So that’s the second part.
And then the third part is there are five different ways you can respond. 1) You can just go with a short and simple answer. 2) You can go with a story. 3) You can go with a three-point bullet-pointed answer. So, Mike, what do you think about this? Well, there are three things I think about that. And that makes you sound smart and optimizes your brain. 4) You can ask a question back. “Tell me more. Why do you want to know that?” 5) And then you could also ask for a moment. So instead of going, well, you know… Yeah, you know, when I was… So when I was uh, uh, a product manager… Instead of going like that, you just say, “Let me just give that thought. Okay, so when I was a project manager…” And go into that. So great ways to answer.
And if you use these systems and practice the systems, now you have a way to process that mass amount of material that’s in your brain.
Kristine:
Oh, my listeners are going to love these tips. I’m telling you, to be able to be prepared for impromptu conversations, they’re gonna love this.
Handling Uncertainty in Interviews
Kristine:
The last point you mentioned really resonates with me because this is a common scenario. People come to me to get ready for interviews. We prepare, we prepare, and then I say, “You’ll likely be asked a question we didn’t prepare for.” And they hate that, and they don’t want that, and they’re so comfortable, and then they can really dwell and worry about that. So I say, let’s prepare for you to answer a question you don’t know, and the first thing I have them say is, “Sure” or “Good question. I just need a few moments to think about that.”
And then take the time. I reassure them if they answer immediately, it’s probably going to be a bad answer, unorganized. And they’re not going to feel good about it. So if they don’t know the answer, don’t answer. Take some time to think. But that’s a great tip for the office as well. I hadn’t thought about applying it there as well. So, a couple more questions I have. I had a lot of fun going through your website and had a hard time narrowing down my questions. But I have two more. I noticed one of the many areas you cover in communication coaching is body language. So how can people use body language to convey confidence and authority in a professional setting?
The Power of Nonverbal Communication
Mike:
So when you think about communication, it’s comprised of three threads. The verbal content: so it’s the words. Then you’ve got the non-verbal tones, the sound of my voice, and the non-verbal physical, the way that I look. And all three of these are going to reinforce and bring in that point. And if you have your nonverbals misaligned with your verbals, you’re actually going to be overpowering your verbal content. I’ve seen that again and again. Where people say, “I’m excited to be here.” But they don’t sound excited. They don’t look excited.
Kristine:
Yes. I’ve seen that too.
Mike:
But they might be excited. Some people who study this say 60-90% of communication is nonverbal. So tonal and physical. That means that you need to make sure that all these are aligned. But it also means that if you put all three together, you can be extremely powerful. So think about Martin Luther King Jr., his physical presence, the way he carried himself, and his hand motions. His facial expressions, the way he looked. The suit he wore. All of that. The location he was at with President Lincoln behind him. Amazing. Then, the tonal. He used a deeper voice. Pause. Slow, dramatic, loud. And that hammered in the point he was making.
So the speech by itself is great to read. But would it have gone down in history if it was just a document that was sent out to people? Probably not. But the way he spoke it. So it’s so important for us to use this. Now, if you just want three simple nonverbal skills that will emphasize this, three skills that are going to make you appear bigger and sound more confident, they are use pauses, speak a little bit louder, and gesture a little bit bigger. Those three make you seem bigger, more authoritative, and more confident.
Nonverbal Communication: The Art of Pausing
Kristine:
Right. How long should people pause? From my research, I’ve learned that the amount of time Americans pause varies by region, and the amount of time compared to other countries varies as well. I know this is not an easy question to answer, but in an American business setting, how long should people be pausing when they’re speaking? And when should they be pausing?
Mike:
Yeah, you can pause anytime…you need to grab ahold of….the next word. By using pauses, you can eliminate ums and other fillers that we use. Use pauses on a regular basis.
Now if you use a longer pause…. that’s a suspense-building or question-asking pause. There are usually short pauses in the middle of a sentence. So if I’m talking, I use a small pause because I get stuck in the middle of my words, and then I pick back up. If I want to make a conclusion or emphasize a point, I pause a little bit longer. These micro pauses help eliminate fillers. But there’s a more conclusive pause, which adds authority to your statement; you can say, “And… that’s…how…it…is.” And now I move on. So it’s a little bit longer pause. But if I’m going to ask a question, I may ask, “What questions does this bring to mind? And then I’m gonna wait until someone answers.
I’m gonna let there be an awkwardness there. I typically go into this a lot more, but those are longer ones where I’m expecting you to do something. In fact, if I pause here long enough, what would happen is Kristine would take a moment, and she would physically move to interpret my longer pause. So there are three pauses. 1) A short one in the middle of a sentence: a micropause that’s just for you to get get back on track. 2) The second pause is for a conclusion. How long is that one? It’s as long as you need to make the point. So if I say, “Don’t. Do. That.” That’s gonna be probably a longer pause, versus I say something very deep that might be a longer pause.
Think about a comedian. They pause as long as they need to to make the audience laugh and get the joke. And then there are long pauses where you’re doing suspense-building, such as, “And the winner is!” That’s suspense building, or “What questions do you have?” Or “What are we gonna do about it?” Or a dramatic one, where sometimes you stand up on stage, and you look around. You’re not not communicating. You’re communicating nonverbally by looking at people’s eyes. And then you speak. But all those are suspense-building.
How to Pause Appropriately in an Interview
Kristine:
I love it. So, some of my clients have paused to think without telling their interviewer they are going to pause. Or they’ve done that in a meeting when they’re asked a question, and they pause. And they often get interrupted by Americans, and it interrupts their train of thought. It shakes their confidence. So stressed pauses are very important in other areas. But that initial pause, like if you’re going to take it, you have to at least tell them you’re going to take it. Because otherwise, an American might interpret it as they didn’t understand me, they don’t know the answer. I don’t know why else Americans will interrupt. But right after a question if somebody’s just thinking, and maybe especially like the look on their face. They’ll just start talking before the other person talks.
Mike:
So here’s what’s huge about that. That’s a stop; that’s not a pause. A pause is where it’s a small break. Think about when you’re running on the treadmill, and you need to go grab a sip of water, or you drop something real quick. You pause the machine. And you’re going to get back on. But if you walk away. I mean, right there, no one’s gonna jump on the treadmill and take it from you at the gym because they see that you’re doing something. They can see that you’re still engaged with the treadmill. They know that you’re still there.
But if you stop, and that’s what a lot of people do. They finish a sentence, and then they disconnect. They look away, and they’re now off and somewhere else, and that’s awkward for everybody. So really, what that American often is doing is saying to that person’s face, “Shoot! They’re done! They ended awkwardly. Let me jump in there and help them out.
Kristine:
Yeah, that’s a good point. It could be a way to help them, to get rid of the awkwardness.
Mike:
Right? Because sometimes what happens is there’s communication that has no words at all, right, you know. You see those best friends look over each other and smile, and they know what each other is thinking. That’s communication. They’re getting a message across, and so what you need to do when you’re speaking is make sure… Okay, right there. So you knew that I was going to continue talking or say something because I was in the middle of something. I was still engaged, so you didn’t jump in. But if I come to a conclusive end and say, that’s it. And I pause. I’m done, and move on. Then you’re going to interrupt.
What I would say for that person is, yeah, either 1) let them know that you’re going to take a pause, “Give me a moment just to think about that.” 2) Stay engaged by making eye contact, by looking at them and drawing something out; by being active with the PowerPoint side or something. Or 3) And this is tough to do, is if you’re constantly, and you’re in the culture, make sure people know that you’re not done. Because there might be a culture of that, and then that’s where you say, “Oh, I’m not done right now.” And you have the confidence that you have the material that they need. “Oh, I’m sorry. Don’t interrupt me, Kristine; I’m continuing right here. And then you go, “Oh, okay.” But then people know and start learning. If you stand up for yourself, they will respect those boundaries as well.
Kristine:
Yeah. Such a powerful skill to develop. I’m glad you brought that one up. Yeah, resisting those interruptions when you’re not done, when you’re still thinking. Absolutely.
So we ended up covering my second question as we discussed that question. That’s all of the questions I have for you today. Do you have anything else that you would like to share on this topic of confident communication in an American business setting?
Adopt a Growth Mindset to Build Your Communication Skills
Mike:
I think I say this in almost every book I write, and I started out in the first one. So I first wrote a book in 2019, and I wrote, “Where you are is not where you have to stay.” Because I was talking about speaking with no fear, and then the newest one, “Speak with Confidence,” I say that as well. I wanted to encourage people. Often, what people think is they just can’t get there.
And as a result of that, they don’t make the effort. I love the story of my friend Sherie. When Sherie was a high schooler, she was overweight. This is something that was in People Magazine, so I feel confident sharing it without her being embarrassed. It was on the front cover. Now why was it on the front cover? Because in her twenties, she cut her weight in half. And in the interview she did with People Magazine, she said, “I never thought I could lose weight.” So I never really tried. I mean, I sort of tried but never really tried because it was impossible,” She said, “I went to Scotland. We walked around a whole bunch. There wasn’t the processed food that I had, and suddenly I lost 20 pounds without even trying. And all of a sudden, I realized it was possible.”
Wow! So what you need to realize is that it is possible. And so, where you are: lack of confidence, and you want to speak with confidence. Fear, and you want to speak with no fear. Whether it’s relational, like you’re not good with emotional intelligence, wherever you are, it’s not where you have to stay. So be aware of where you are, then find the right knowledge, and put it into practice.
Kristine:
Very powerful. I couldn’t agree more, and that’s what I love seeing; when people do realize their power, they go after it, and they get the support they need to do that.
Well, thank you, Mike. This has been so wonderful. I’ve learned so much from you. I laughed. I loved your stories, and I can’t wait to read your books.
And if people want to find you, how can they find you? Can you share your sites with us?
How to Learn More With Mike
Mike:
Yea, absolutely. Mikeacker.com is a great home for a lot of that. My books are on Amazon as well. And if you just Google Mike Acker, you’ll find me all over too. So I have a couple of different websites. But MikeAcker.com or Amazon are great places.
Kristine:
Great. Thank you, and I will share that information in the show notes as well. It’s been great. Thank you so much, and hope to stay in touch and do this again sometime.
Mike:
Thank you, Kristine.
Putting Nonverbal Communication Techniques into Action
That brings us to the end of the second and final episode with Mike Acker! Which nonverbal communication techniques will you use this week? Do you feel ready to answer impromptu questions in English? Learning is the first step to changing your behavior. Now, I suggest you practice the techniques Mike shared so you feel comfortable using them and you eventually incorporate them naturally into your work.
If you enjoyed my conversation with Mike or if you are living abroad or planning to live in an English-speaking country, I invite you to watch a video recording of my conversation with the Listening Expert Cara Leopold on the topic, How to Use Movies as an Immersion Tool Before Moving Abroad for Work. I’ll include a link in the show notes.
Don’t miss any of my podcast episodes! Subscribe to my podcast on your favorite platform or access them with transcripts on my website, express-to-impress.com/podcast.
Thank you so much for listening to the Express to Impress podcast. I hope you enjoyed our conversation as much as I did! If you found this episode helpful, please remember to share it with a friend! See you next time. Bye!
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